Inimene on tema ise vaid siis kui ta sünnib ja hetkel, mil ta sureb. Ta karjub, nutab ja ulub. Esimene pahvakas steriilset õhku vajub vastsündinu  kopsudele ning mida teeb tema? Ta köhib selle kallihinnalise kraami välja ning hakkab vinguma. Täpselt nagu 39 aasta pärast – ta on kägaras maas ning nutab.  Sedapuhku on ka põhjust. Tõmban tema oimul oleva revolvri kuke vinna ning ootan vastureaktsiooni. Sittagi, sama ärahellitatud hala tühiste asjade pärast. Nagu näiteks tema elu. “Tere, isa.” ütlen ma tutvustuseks.
]]> http://johnnydolce.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/dont-judge-the-book-by-its-cover-copy-paste-to-read/feed/ 2 JohnnyDolce http://johnnydolce.wordpress.com/2010/11/26/had-do-let-it-out-l-tou-ti-tel-od-dah/ http://johnnydolce.wordpress.com/2010/11/26/had-do-let-it-out-l-tou-ti-tel-od-dah/#comments Fri, 26 Nov 2010 14:04:07 +0000 JohnnyDolce http://johnnydolce.wordpress.com/?p=234 ]]>  

Silly jealousy.

Our lips are curling like waves in the ocean,

we are lost like a surfer in the deadly motion.

We tremble, we shake but dare not to let go,

we hold onto each other and dive in the flow.

We’re lost to the world, but found to each other,

We’re bound to stay true and love one another.

A moment can break like a glass under weight,

and one too much positive can always negate.

I shine our love upon you to glisten like a tear,

you reflect it back and a dimple then appears.

one I’ve longed for, seeked for quite a while.

it’s where it belongs, just there by your smile.

Your skin glowing, like a landing track for planes,

on which every lady-bird is happy to take lanes.

I’m jealous, for they get to feel you with their whole,

explore the smallest dungeons, cover every hole.

And yet, I know that you’re mine and I am yours,

there ain’t no one else to be cast upon our shores.

No matter how hard they would lurk and explore,

only we, can know the secret knock to our doors.

Uhm.. yeah.

Anyway.. just some time ago I noticed a small night butterfly flapping against the window, trying to get closer to the light..  I thought about it and opened the window to let it in. Why?

Now I know that the light and warmth will kill it, but their life lasts for approximately 24 hours anyway. I figured that every moth I had seen only did one thing – ventured closer and closer to the light. It is their dream, their lifelong goal, to experience the magic of light that we, humans,  have already grown so used to. We fail to see the beauty in the small things that surround us every day, at some point we just stop caring. Sadly.

So I let it in and I don’t feel guilty about it, If I knew that my life was about to end, I’d go for my deepest dreams without hesitation. Put all my faith in living for once and for all.

After all, faith isn’t faith until’ it’s all you’re holding onto.

I just want something.. something I can never have.

And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

I remember clearly how in the beginning I was so focused on getting further and further as fast as I could, I had only one goal in my mind – away from here. I told my parents that I wouldn’t turn back to Estonia before I had reached the border of Italy, and I’m a man of my word. It took me 5 days to reach Italy and another month before I headed back. I did my best to catch rides – even had special clean clothes to look more acceptable, I still remember the irritation when I discovered the first stain on my favorite shirt.. Washing and shaving in every gas station, even adding the unnecessary sprinkle of cologne before heading out to talk to the drivers. As days turned into weeks the cologne had faded away and the stains on my shirt had made some much-needed companions on this long and lonesome road. There’s something to learn from even the smallest of things..

Well.. it began weeks ago in Estonia.. GAAHHH, gonna smack this keyboard on the ground soon!

12.08 – the beginning

Getting through Estonia was easy as always. Thumbs up for the drivers, literally. In Latvia it got harder as the sun was gone and I didn*t know the freeways as good as I should of had. Anyway a van stopped and you all know what the happens.. paranoia. A van, 2 guys and me sitting in the back. Every sentence seemed to be about me, every look in the rear mirror.. I had taken my knife out and was ready to slice those fuckers down! It was dark, in the middle of nowhere and they slowed down.. One of them got out of the bus and the driver started to back in on a path leading to the forest. F**k this, I opened the door while bus was still moving, adrenaline pumping, ready to take the first hit and then give 10 in return. ”What are you doing?” one of them asked. ” Gonna go hitchhike..” “Nono, we just stopped to smoke..” And then the driver started rolling a joint.. lit it up and.. it was weed. Wow, did I feel like an idiot! Those guys were probably the most friendliest and fun-loving Latvians ever..

Not gonna talk much about the passthrough countries but I have to say that Riga is worth nothing in my eyes, it is a sole reminder of soviet union. People are living like robots, it was horrible to watch them rushing to work at 6 in the morning, a huge grey mass.. ugh.

Slept on a bus stop bench, only a metre off the highway. No lights, it was crazy how the big trucks pass by and the wind could almost pick you up, not to mention the noise. Like a thousand wolves howling at the moon, ready to attack. Luckily a truck noticed me and picked me up to prevent dangerous situations.

Best part of my trip, somewhere on my way I got a text message informing me that my Estonian monthly bus ticket is about to run out. I just smiled and pondered “who fucking cares.. I am off to live on under palm trees! “

Poland was a mess, someone should seriously write a hitchhikers guidebook on “¿How to get through Poland?” The roads are crazy, signs making you walk for hours before you reach a decent spot and then the cops come and say it´s illegal to thumb here, so they took me BACK. I walked continuously for 12 hours that day, and as a topping on the cake it started raining – I was completely broken down. My feet were bruised and torn, shoulders crushed under the weight of my bag. I stopped for some time and thought about my life, cursed out loud and begged for mercy.. As the sun came out I felt like resurrected, full of power to continue – ready for all the challenges. Because I realized, there is no point to complain about the moments that are passing by. At the end, we can soberly judge what was for the good and what was for the bad. This thought keeps me going on and is a HUGE help, because I am willing to take whatever comes my way – the outcome is what I know I will enjoy!

I reached Austria and headed for Italy, got on a car with a cool guy, helped me out a lot. I threw away most of my things and got some decent hiking boots. Ready for what awaits me.

Gorizia, Italy – policia is taking their job way too seriously. Was hitchhiking to Venezia and a cool bearded guy stopped his car, psy trance was blasting from the stereo he was going to Venezia for the day and then to France so he was willing to take me 700km-s instead of the 100 I wanted at first place. Muy bien, his name is Fred and we spent the day in Venezia as tourists – it was my first vacationlike moment during this trip and after 5 days of walking and standing by the roads it felt great. We arrived in Mont Blanc, France late at night, met with some of his friends and drank some beer – I got to sleep in his van. A roof over my head – yayayayayay! Next morning when sun laid light upon the landscape I discovered that it is Mont Blanc indeed, amazing mountaintops curling up into the unknown and people paragliding in the skyline. Magnifico.

I thought we would ride to Lyon, France but instead we spent the whole day in Mont Blanc, which I´ve got to say is truly one of a kind place. We went mountain climbing.. yeah, I was like ¿what? but it was great. We hiked and spent the evening with my new friends on the town, great pizza and cold beer. 0.25l of beer costs 3 euros there and a litre of sparkling wine (which is ALWAYS good) costs 1 euro! So yeah, you know what I was doing.

Next morning we headed to Lyon, Fred dropped me off and we parted ways. A great friend. Thanks man! And I started rambling through the streets and got lost. Once again I walked around 20+ km-s that day, I reached the motorway and it´s illegal to hitchhike there so I walked on it to find a rest area. Didn´t happen., the road went on a bridge and it didn´t freakin end! All this time I was thinking to myself “No cops.. at least not for 10 more minutes..” I had to jump off the bridge to get on another road and it was like a 10m fall, luckily some bushes broke the fall. A minute later I heard sirens and hid myself on the railway.

It´s crazy dangerous to walk on motorways, it´s illegal for a reason and I don´t want anyone to do it. Only hitchhike ar petrol stations, stops or before the motorway actually starts. I still can feel the rush of wind striking me to lose balance when a truck goes by ony a metre apart, I started counting the roadkills and items I found of the road and at like 80 roadkills lost track, but 57 trucker gloves so far. About 15 sidemirrors, countless broken glass, 9 license plates, 2 front bumpers of cars, 3 opel signs (lol) and one actual car. Well usedtobeacar since it was crushed bad.

I´ve been having some weird periods. Uhg.. don´t get me wrong. Just that I´ve been alone for more than I ever have, no friends to talk to and mainly standing on the roads or looking for a place to sleep. It´s crazy – I have NEVER had so much money on my bank account but still I wish to live like a tramp..

Anyway, I´ve been thinking thoughts like … lets balance the taste of oceans by adding sugar to it. ¿Que?

I´m losing it.. I´m madly in love and I keep hearing these songs that hit me hard by resemblance. Amy MacDonnel – Where you gonna sleep tonight?, Vanessa Carlton – 1000 miles ( well, 5000 in my case.. ), The theme song of my trip would probably be Led Zeppelin – Going to California

…

Marseille, standing at the Legion Etrangere gate, thinking about my destiny.. I ate the last piece of chocolate and stepped towards the beach.

Marseille is the dirtiest city ever, rats running around like crazy. But some beautiful architecture here. Also was at a beach party salsa festival, I love life!

Had a great experience of walking through the busy streets and then landing on one that was almost empty, me and one local who suddenly raised his finger and said “Listen.. complete silence..” and it was true, it felt healing and relaxing – we shared something special at that moment. I tried to walk without making any noise and as I was pass him, he kickstarted the engine of his motorcycle..

I am currently in Granada, the place where flamenco feels real and smiles never fade away.

Just found out something horrible that backfires my trip completely.. but I will still try to make it.. I have to.

…

Some facts about me.. just to let you know how freaky I am.

I like..

…random moments with strangers…

…the taste of the wooden ice-cream stick when you go for the last bit of taste.

…the feeling after taking off your shoes after you’ve been walking for ages.

…to measure myself and my abilities from time to time.

…to be scared of jumping off a cliff into the blue sea, then saying to myself I will count to 5 and do it.. okay.. ugh, really? .. uno, dos, SPLASH!

…sending messages in bottles.

1.09.2010

I have walked 80km in 3 days. Currently near Antequera.. Spain is a fuckin´desert, sure there are vacation resorts and lux places at the coastline but if you wander in the mainland.. sorry.. so tired. I love spain though, reached Lajo some days ago and when I walked the streets there, when sun closed its eyes people came out, turned their car audio up and danced on the streets, men clapped the rhythm for salsa – that´s when I felt like it´s all worth it.

I sat in a small garden at night and 3 rabbits curled down before my feet.

I went fishing.. harpooning to be exact. Cut down a bamboo stick and tied my knife to it, was in the ice cold river for hours and when I finally got the fish to come to me a civil guard of some sort came to me and said that these fish are under protection and you could be fined 1000 euros per fish..

Things have changed a lot while I´ve been on the road. My mother has gotten a Facebook account.. I´m in trouble.

05.09.2010

I´ve made it! I have WALKED from Granada to Sevilla and I´m alive. That is 256 kilometres.. It took me a week in total, and the longest streak was 65km in the end, that´s a record I don´t want to break anytime soon. Gah, why did I do it? I have no idea! But I´m glad it´s behind me..

I now know what the saying “my feet are burning” means, so yay for a lesson learned..

10km before Sevilla a car striked the horn and stopped on the motorway, 50m ahead of me and horned again. I raised my hand and waved to let it go.. I had to finish what I had started. I could tell that it was a woman in the car by the way she carrassed the horn – soft and short stroke, almost like she didn´t want to break the silence. .

Oh and it was a small and yellow girlish car..

No, I´m glad for all that I experienced – I saw places I never would of had seen if I had just taken a bus or car. I saw the little cities and met the people, my favourite was by far Antequera – I know the streets by heart.

I spent one night in a hostel, after 3 weeks of starry skies, I think it was important not to fade away in the dreams. Quite awesome places I´ve laid my head to rest though, countless olive trees, palms, a wrecked car and a huge construction machine´s cockpit. What can I say, I´m a supertramp.

It was my mother´s birthday last night.. I have always been there to hug her but this time it was impossible, every wish I had was dedicated to her.

Tomorrow a good friend of mine is leaving for the states for 3 months.. 4-5 months of not seeing.. this is breaking me down, I want to be there for my friends

I feel disgusted how the society is killing our life standards, for example – the prices of petrol and water. Here in the gas stations a litre of water is equivalent to the price of a litre of petrol. What? How can that be normal – I feel cheated. Let me tell you why.. Under the burning sun as a hiker I am, I can´t go for more than 3 kilometres with a litre of water. A car on the other hand runs on a litre of petrol for atleast 10km. Not to mention the fact that it´s faster, can transport more and doesn´t exhaust you. Petrol is the reason of wars and sooner or later it will run out anyway, water is something that everybody needs. The price of water can´t be set so high no matter where you buy it – it´s human right. Stay human.

I was at a restaurant last night, yeah flame away, but it was the first marker of civilization I had encountered in 30km. I was tired, hungry and thirsty. When I left to walk on, I filled my bottle in the restroom. As I was about to leave, the bartender called me back and asked me to give the bottle to him. I was broken down, what why how? I need water. Are you seriously going to just flush it down? And without a word he did..

He looked at me with a smile on his face, stating that the water is bad here, instead he filled my 1, 5 litre bottle with ice cold mineral water and Buena suerte, amigo! (good luck, friend.) Some people understand the moral ethics of humanity and I´m grateful for the times I have with them. I could spend hours talking stories about the people who have treated me with disrespect but why bother, lets live for the good moments.

I came up with a poem some nights ago, soft shizzle. Don´t bother reading if you´re not into ballades. And the beautiful language of Estonia that doesn´t have the words I could need.

ohohohohooo.. ( in the tune of justin bieber-baby)

Iga lause Su suust, mille tunded maalivad

nii taiuslik ja uus.

Olemuse kunstiteos, mille huuled raamivad,

me randevouz.

Su silmad raagivad Su elust

nii r66mudest kui valust.

lynki t2idab t2toveeringute tint,

mis kastab Su keha kui p6lev absint

Su juuksed just kui Veneetsia,

Su kehal m2rjalt laotuvad.

Nii avastan Sind, mu graatsia-

juuksed kuivavad, alad paotuvad -

AMEERIKA.. …(m2ed)

Ma armun taas ja taas,

iga korraga enamgi veel.

Olen Su jalge ees maas,

alati ootamas Su teel.

Sest suudlus,

see pole miskit muud.

kui saladus,

mis k6rvaks pidas suud.

Ma r2ndan l2bi aja,

et saladusi jagada.

Tean, on mulle seda vaja,

pole aega magada.

Ja usaldus kasvab yha,

on saladusi tuhandeid.

Huuled otsivad Su k6rva,

kuid syda pillub s2demeid.

Igast s2demest saab aga l66m,

mis kustub vaid, et t6usta taas.

Iga naeratus Su huulil, on r66m,

kulmukergitus, loodan – m88duv faas.

Thank you WordPress for messing up the lines..

So anyway, I´m now In Sevilla and I don´t like it.. I don´t want to be in these big cities, I want to.. I want to be in the wild..

Spain.. I don´t know.. I love it at times but I´m sickened by the way the people treat earth. Every fuckin´ inch of the roadsides is full of garbage, they have huge containers for different types of trash but it´s easier to just drop it at rivers etc. Something common to Spain is bottles.. thousands and thousands of bottles of urine. Thrown out of the car windows, glad I haven´t been hit with one yet..

Totally disgusted how they treat animals.. I have seen, and I´m not exaggerating, more than a 100 animals slaughtered by cars. They´re on the sideways, unmoving for years, they´re slowly melting into the dirt – the smell is unbearable, I had been walking all day was almost out of water and it was 41 degrees today. I took the last bit of water into my mouth and just that moment I saw and felt the stench of a rotting dog. I couldn´t help it, I spit it out and grabbed for a standing. I was dizzy and blurry.

I´ve seen those trucks that carry 100 sheep or 500 chickens, all tucked together in those tiny tiny cages. At first I thought to myself, why aren´t they moving, are they dead? Then I realized, there is just no way to move. They travel hundreds if not thousand kilometres like that, in the heat in the gas like a rock band with a van full of groupies, but they can´t touch the silverware..

Farms of goats, lamb, cows what ever. I´ve seen them and it´s so stupid! They´re in prison, every time I walk by they come closed and their big eyes just tell me.. please.. let us out. It´s heartbreaking, half of them starving most of them killed and a huge portion of the meat never making it´s way to consumers because they raise and kill more than people could ever eat. I so dearly wish that people would go back in time, find the realization of not having more than they need. Everyone should grow as much as they need to survive not try to gather more and more just because that way they can add another notch on their belt. “I have the biggest farm in SDADSAFDAF!” Who fuckin´cares.. seriously..

People collecting things like never before.. take those things and build your fortress, try to defend yourself against the envy and wrath of other people.

Oops.. I wanted to end this rambling in a positive note.. btw, I sometimes rap while I´m walking, lol – enjoy.

Government holding us on a leash too short,

with a spike that´s ready to cut through our throat,

a shock that will pull us down,

but we´ve got to pick our feet

off of the ground.

got to fix our wings and fly so high,

and if we die,

let it be for a reason why!

we´ve got to stay true to our roots,

not talking ´bout the combat boots.

got to go far back in time,

when we had no clue for the meaning of crime,

back when living on earth,

was about giving birth,

loving, caring, sharing

not masquerading.

aaa´ýooooo!

06.10.2010

It was hard finding a place to rest last night, I eventually found a big tree and thought to myself, oh well – got to do it some time anyway. I climbed up, the branches spiralled like candy cane, leaves were covering me from the outer world – perfect. Then I noticed something in the western corner.. the room was already occupied. Someone had brought his mattress up there and was fast asleep. I love life, that was amazing. I left quietly and found a protective river bank.

Some days ago when I was writing that poem I posted earlier, I was sitting at this spanish restaurants garden and was really in the zone. I noticed a lady there giving me short almost scared looks. She finally gathered enough courage to raise her voice : “Are you a writer?” she asked. I took a moment and replied : “Well yes, in a way.. But I don´t need a pen to write the story of my life..”  She seemed to be thinking hard, then lowered her eyes and dug as much salad as she could into her mouth. I found myself pondering : ” Well, there goes another much needed conversation..  Next time I´ll just be a god damn writer..”

It´s amazing, I discovered that 90% of the music on my mp3 is about leaving, traveling, being far apart etc. Almost like my subconscious mind had been planning this far along.

In a few hours, I’ll start walking towards finding inner peace. I will be hitchhiking and walking far south, with no specific location on my mind because at times it really isn’t about the destination but the journey – I will make my plans on the way, in deep consideration with my heart and mind. I will do my best to be useful during this trip, help out where I can and share the good vibes of warmth and love that everyone has a birthright for.

If a certain name of a village strucks my mind, I will do my best to reach it and explore it to the fullest. I will fall and get back up, I hope to be broken down and learn from the experience.  I want to break free from the chains and do the right thing. Take my broken wings and learn to fly again, to be so free..

I want to.. escape.. from the madness that is going on and we’ve gotten so used to. This is bullshit and you know it. I want to return and have a clear mindset to see what I hadn’t noticed before. I want to break out from this 24/7  drunkenness and blindness that we’ve surrounded ourselves just because it’s easier this way.

I want to meet new people and quench my thirst with the love they’ve hidden deep within. I am indeed in thirst.

As you can see.. I want a lot of “things..” And I will do my best to make them happen!

19.07.2010

I arrived in Norway, only to discover that the summer we’ve been celebrating in Estonia is nowhere to be found.

21.07.2010

Mountains connected to mountains, deep blue fjords running through the green landscape and still no trolls to raise a glass with.. Hiking through the wilderness, it’s cold and there’s no one around. Breaking down to hide from the cold winds, quenching my thirst from waterfalls. It’s magnificent, yet horrifying. European Alaska.

Highway! Got into a car with a crazy rocker, listening to speed metal at full volume and taking breathtaking curves on the edges of steep cliffs. I shouldn’t be enjoying this, right?

23.07.2010

I went to a huge amusement park called Tysenfryd (a thousand joys). Yeah, huge must be the right word.

I tried all the biggest attractions and my favourites were :

SpeedMonster – (facts – Speed Monster is an Intamin designed “Rocket Coaster” with a 6000 HP hydraulic launch that rockets riders from zero to 90 km/h in 2.2 seconds. The rollercoaster then traverses a loop around the escalator at the entrance of the park. Riders experience 4 G’s, experience weightlessness 7 times, and are inverted 3 times.)

SpinSpider – (facts – SpinSpider gains up to 115 km/h speed and flies the people around in the air at 45 metres. )

SpaceShot – (facts – Spaceshot gains 75km/h and rockets people into the air at 65 metres. )

TeenyWeeny – (facts – Claims to be the “smallest roller coaster in the world”)

24.07.2010

I’ve survived a week on the road. Survived.. That’s ironic because at this moment I feel like my body is letting go, fragile doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel. I’m in  Bo county, Norway.  Haha,  “Wait! We can’t stop here – this is Bat Country”  … And  I’ve been working with some children who have problems at home, in school, with parents, no parents, no home, no school. And a lot of attitude problems. First minute of meeting them I was already “challenged” to be beaten up. Well..  things can get a little tense here so earlier this evening I decided to smoke my first cigarette. I climbed up to the highest mountain in my sight only to discover even greater ones on the horizon. Well.. it was near perfect, sitting in a mossy area, picking some blueberrylike berries. Ugh.. like. I grabbed some dry moss and rolled it into a spliff. I cracked the fire and enjoyed the sun setting behind the ever-going hills. More of those blueberries and there we go.. my head started spinning and I struggled to keep balance. I pretty much rolled on the road nearby and all the shapes and noises started to move in an unexplainable way. It was getting freaky. I found myself pondering things like “If this is it, let it be for some greater purpose.”

26.07.2010

I’m alive!  Though death has been lurking in the woods. I went mountain climbing with no equipment nor assistance and near the peak of a 30 metre solid rock wall, my hand cramped. The sight down was not very pleasant, sharp rocky ground, pieces of rock crumbling in my hands and underneath my feet. Not much to do than to hold on to gravity and slide down as lightly as possible. Got really lucky there.

27.07.2010

Hiking in the true nature, in the wild beauty of our land.  The cool thing about Norway is the law that allows you to pass through and shelter yourself pretty much everywhere. (Of course not talking about people’s houses, but you CAN walk through other people’s gardens and pick any berry you want from the forests, there are even special cabins in the mountains that you can use to live and rest in.) So there I was, making my way through the enormous landscape only to discover that there’s still a long way to go.. I followed a spring higher and higher up to the mountains and found a waterfall, quenched my thirst and sat there in the sun. To make it even better, some sheep and goats wandered curiously near me, drinking and eating what the any-man law allows them to do just fine.

If all works out well, I will be posting a lot more in the next months. As of now, I’m heading out in 2 days. I will be tripping through the Northern-Europe in hopes of kick-starting my spiritual dreams and desires. I will be gone for 2 weeks minimal and after that I’ll head out to an even greater adventure of hitchhiking to the Southern-Europe. The goal is pretty much the same, find inner peace, live out, do something good on the way and document the emotions rambling around my body and mind. Oh, yeah – I’m doing this alone.

I will not start with a planned journey (the beginning to even get out of here is always the same though – estonia, latvia, lithuania, poland..)  because going with the flow and being spontaneous usually works the best. I will however set one specific and special location that I should be able to reach during the trip. It wont be a stupid huge ass capital city or a work of art. My final destination is just something for my soul.

Oh, what it is?

Guess you’ll have to come back for more articles.

Once in a while I fall.. and when I do, it’s hard, can’t help but feel this weird feeling inside. Some call it butterflies and who am I to disagree, I’ve never felt it through their bodies anyway.. for me this feeling is like a reminder of “Aight Johnny, you’re in trouble – things are getting serious, you’re in the heat.”   And do I want it? More than anything. Do I like it? Not sure.. you see, it’s a shock that goes through your body, alarming your consciousness to be aware of some freaky shit to happen. The feeling of butterflies is supposed to be heavenly but for me it’s exactly the same as when you’ve fucked up bad and just feel sick about it, I mean really sick. The moments when you just want to fall on the ground and self-destruct.

Gah.. I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I .. fuck it.

I fall in love and usually do nothing about it because I don’t know if my love is strong enough. I hesitate to let it grow ’cause as fast as it may spawn it could fade as well. I just don’t want to hurt her.