Don’t Give Up

When something is taken,

you don’t feel whole.

and your world is shaken.

you’re not in control.

 

You scream out for mercy,

but you land on the floor,

so you hope for courtesy

but no one opens the door.

 

don’t give up, there’s still hope,

you’re not alone in being alone.

take a hold of the helping rope,

and climb back upon your throne.

 

it won’t be the first, it won’t be the last

time when you have to face your past,

it’s what you learn from things like this,

to understand what’s worth to reminisce.

Maybe baby

Maybe I’m not falling for you..

Because, I am crashing it’s true.

This song will be my black box

and only you can break the locks.

 

Only you can see inside,

read what’s on my mind.

you..

are..

gran-

ted.

access,

to..

my..

cock-

pit

& success.

 

there has to be a better way to say it..

 

With the first kiss I laid on your lips,

we danced the shyness

right off of your hips.

It feels just like a fairy tale

I’m a knight holding

his holy grail

 

But the sunny skies are destined to rain,

and a loving heart is bound to feel pain.

You can try to escape and run far away,

but you can’t hide from sacred clichés.

ÜhistranSpordivõistlused

Astun Väike-Ôismäel troll nr 6 peale ning istun akna alla. Sama rea teise akna alla istub noor naine – vast minu vanune ning otsib paaniliselt midagi oma käekotist. Olles sukeldunud juba viiendat korda, tômbab ta sealt vôidurôômsalt paari päikeseprille ning katab nendega oma pähklipruunid silmad. Vaatan aknast välja ning unistan, et taeva kataks vihmapilved. Mu soovunelma katkestavad järgmises peatuses 2 viie aastast plikatirtsu, kes meie vahele trügivad. Vaatame korraks kohmetult ümberringi kui juba tutvustab “minu oma” mulle enda Barbiet. “See on Caroline, ta on hispaaniast. Koige vingem peotsikk, keda Sa näinud oled” ja ma naeratan, sest see kôik tundub mulle kahtlaselt tuttav: “Mina olen Johnny, kas Caroline tantsib ainult klubides vôi oskab ta salsat ka?”

“Rõväää! Mis salsat. ta sööb hot dogi ketšupiga mitte mingi salsaga!”

Late Night Promises

I guess you could say we’ve known each other for as long as we’ve known ourselves. When thinking back on the days of my youth, the earliest important memories are connected to you. But even now after all these years not all layers of mystique have peeled off, and the temptation to fully comprehend you – to know your every button, passionately motivates me.

Sebastian.

**************************************************************

“Come on babe, tell me! where are we going for my birthday?” I ask with unraveling excitement. But he won’t give in that easily: “I told you, pack light. We don’t need much.”

“So we’re going somewhere near? Like a spa or something” I try again while leaning on the window, watching the cold rough weather that Estonian winters are well known for and I’m certain my voice betrays a line of disappointment.

“Babe, just put your faith in me, you’re gonna love it!”

“Aren’t you confident now, Sebastian?” I rhetorically ask with a playful smile upon my lips. He seems to surrender.. :”In fact, forget about the packing, I’m calling the cab right now.” I look at him like a poker player trying to read his bluff as he casually reaches into his jacket and declares: “besides.. everything I want you to wear is right here,” revealing a box of the new Victoria’s Secret line they´re yet to release. “So are we going or staying?”

****** –30 minutes later– *****

“Josephine! Are you ready?” I hear him tease me with his rough voice, he knows I can’t possibly be ready..

“Hold on, I can’t find my favorite shoes, the red ones with spikes, you know?”

“Honey, didn’t I tell you? you were supposed to pack only the things you need. The things you CAN’T live without I packed last night.”

The 20 minute taxi ride continues with me trying every trick in the book to figure out our destination. But even the taxi driver seems to be in on it and shows no interest in the conversation. Finally we come to a stop.. At the coach station.. It’s hard for me to hide my disappointment as he observes my every look: “Not good enough?” 

“No no, it’s fine. Shall we?” He gives me one of his deep puppy dog looks and leans in for a passionate kiss. I suddenly realize that I don’t care where we’re going, as long as I am with this amazing man. “My Sebastian..” I think with dreamy eyes, still in doubt that he is real. That we are real.. and with his usual cool, he tells the taxi-driver: “Okay Mike, we can go to the airport now, we do have a plane to catch” and they both start laughing. “You, you … I love you!” I struggle to find words and tears of joy fill my eyes as he takes me in his embrace and says: “only for you, my dear.. But I still can’t believe you didn’t recognize my brother in the drivers seat.”

 

Choose a sticker or emoticon

Stupid Cupid

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid Cupid

won’t you leave me out of your mess,

Stupid Cupid

I ain’t got time to deal with the stress.

Stupid Cupid

Don’t you dare shoot that arrow at me

Stupid Cupid

Ow! Gee…

 

 

 

 

 

.

Don’t judge the book by its cover.. (copy paste to read.)

Niisiis. Sa sünnid, annad alla ning lased ennast vooluga kaasa viia. Arvatavasti peatus su ema kõrval must auto, mille aknast ilmus rahapatakat hoidev käsi.
Ta läks õnge. Nagu nad kõik – tänapäeval hoolitakse ainult rahast. Kui sul seda pole, oled sa mitte keegi, ja kui on, pole seda piisavalt. Jah, sa sünnid. Ning mingil ürgsel emalikul põhjusel otsustatakse sind alles jätta. Sa kasvad. Sinu peas hakkavad tekkima küsimused : “Ema, kes ja kus on mu isa?”
Ta aimas seda ette, see eit on juba 17 aastat seda küsimust oodanud.. “Su isa on kangelane, te teenis meie riiki…” ja muu selline jama. Sa tead, et see pole tõsi, kuid jätad asja praeguseks sinnapaika. Veel mõneks ajaks. Sa oled ise mõned juhtniidid leidnud. 

Inimene on tema ise vaid siis kui ta sünnib ja hetkel, mil ta sureb. Ta karjub, nutab ja ulub. Esimene pahvakas steriilset õhku vajub vastsündinu  kopsudele ning mida teeb tema? Ta köhib selle kallihinnalise kraami välja ning hakkab vinguma. Täpselt nagu 39 aasta pärast – ta on kägaras maas ning nutab.  Sedapuhku on ka põhjust. Tõmban tema oimul oleva revolvri kuke vinna ning ootan vastureaktsiooni. Sittagi, sama ärahellitatud hala tühiste asjade pärast. Nagu näiteks tema elu. “Tere, isa.” ütlen ma tutvustuseks.

Had to let it out. l .tou ti tel ot daH

 

Silly jealousy.

 

Our lips are curling like waves in the ocean,

we are lost like a surfer in the deadly motion.

We tremble, we shake but dare not to let go,

we hold onto each other and dive in the flow.

 

We’re lost to the world, but found to each other,

We’re bound to stay true and love one another.

A moment can break like a glass under weight,

and too much positive could always negate.

 

I shine our love upon you to glisten like a tear,

you reflect it back and a dimple then appears.

one I’ve longed for, searched for quite a while.

it’s where it belongs, just there by your smile.

 

Your skin glowing, like a landing-strip for planes,

Upon which every lady-bird is happy to take lanes.

I’m jealous, for they feel you with their whole,

explore the smallest dungeons, cover every hole.

 

And yet, I know that you’re mine and I am yours,

there is no one else to be cast upon our shores.

No matter how hard they would search and explore,

only we know the secret knock to unlock the doors.

 

.the short night of the butterflies

Daydreaming late at night, looking outside the window and examining the petite world around me. Light from a reading lamp is casting shadows after crushing into obstacles at the speed of light, didn’t see that coming, huh? Obstacles like shelves, door, guitar.. Obstacles like me..  May I say, I’d make a good shadow someday.. Oh, how I would glide around the cityscape, tormenting the people around me. Step in their footprints and scare their shadow off of them. I long to fall for a beautiful shadow girl.. do the things that big shadows do, y’know. Watch her undress late at evening when the sun is just about to fall in dreams behind the horizon, as she grows taller and taller.. fall for her over and over again, deeper each time. Cry when the sun is at zenith and she disappears into a small circle underneath a woman enjoying her Piña Colada..  and then for the first time to raise my eyes higher than the ground beneath her feet.. only to realize, she is the girl of my dreams. We are not only shadows, we are real.

Uhm.. yeah.

Anyway.. just some time ago I noticed a small night butterfly flapping against the window, trying to get closer to the light..  I thought about it and opened the window to let it in. Why?

Now I know that the light and warmth will kill it, but their life lasts for approximately 24 hours anyway. I figured that every moth I had seen only did one thing – ventured closer and closer to the light. It is their dream, their lifelong goal, to experience the magic of light that we, humans,  have already grown so used to. We fail to see the beauty in the small things that surround us every day, at some point we just stop caring. Sadly.

So I let it in and I don’t feel guilty about it, If I knew that my life was about to end, I’d go for my deepest dreams without hesitation. Put all my faith in living for once and for all.

After all, faith isn’t faith until’ it’s all you’re holding onto.

The truth is.. I’m confused.

I want to get lost in a painting, to seek underneath the layers of drying  colors, to bathe in them.  An oil painting representing a sunset.. Some of the yellow paint would stick to me as I make my way over the red sky, dragging a line behind me  just like an airplane shooting for the momentum. A tail of starry  rocket fuel, a gasp of eclectic love –  toxicity versus beauty and I am unable to choose. The colors dry, I fall on my knees and break to tears, I am stuck.. the saltness and liquid burn holes in the paint, and in one of those black holes in the universe, I got lost in, just wanting to be found. Or do I? Do I or? Or I do? Corridor? Okay, but to where? Or maybe I want to swim with the bubbles in champagne, Yeah, I think so, for I hope this would take me closer to your heart. Just don’t spit me out.

 

I just want something.. something I can never have.

In search of something..

I have had a front row seat to observe the transformation of a well off, educated and intelligent young man into a homeless tramp who’s first thought after waking up is “Where will I spend the night ahead?”

And for that, I couldn’t be more thankful.

I remember clearly how in the beginning I was so focused on getting further and further as fast as I could, I had only one goal in my mind – away from here. I told my parents that I wouldn’t turn back to Estonia before I had reached the border of Italy, and I’m a man of my word. It took me 5 days to reach Italy and another month before I headed back. I did my best to catch rides – even had special clean clothes to look more acceptable, I still remember the irritation when I discovered the first stain on my favorite shirt.. Washing and shaving in every gas station, even adding the unnecessary sprinkle of cologne before heading out to talk to the drivers. As days turned into weeks the cologne had faded away and the stains on my shirt had made some much-needed companions on this long and lonesome road. There’s something to learn from even the smallest of things..